The Opened Door

You come and go as you please,
it’s my fault really.
If I could just let go of these hopes
and dreams that you’d finally choose me,
then maybe I could finally
get a goodnight’s sleep.

You give as much as you take,
but you don’t realize how much
how much you’ve made my heart ache.

You come and go as you please,
it’s my fault really.
There’s never a
“What”, “Where”, “When”
You simply knock, I open,

& we begin again.

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Wishful Thinking

I remember when I was younger, every wishing dandelion I came across, I’d make two wishes. It was always these two wishes that I’d recite in my head before blowing out the fluffy seeds that lay upon that flower stem. Within every wish, I’d give it a few months to see if they’d come true, they never did. So I’d try switching up how I’d say it during my wishing times, just to see if that’d work. Nope.

As I grew up, I heard that when you make a wish on a dandelion, you have to blow out all the seeds within one breath in order for your wish to come true. I thought, “Wow! I’ve been doing it wrong all this time, no wonder why my wishes didn’t come true.” Therefore, I began blowing each dandelion in one breath. Again, none were granted.

Eventually, I came to a conclusion that these wishes of mine would never come true. But that didn’t stop me from wishing on these dandelions. I continued to wish for my 2 wishes and during a beautiful time in my life, I added 1 more wish.

Now I am in my early 20’s, has anything came true? Sadly no.

Then why did I wish for these things all these years knowing it would never come true?

To give my broken soul comfort.

Dandelion #1: I wish mom and dad would get back together.
Dandelion #2: I wish my grandma immortality
Dandelion #3: I wish you’d choose me.

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A Letter To Depression

Dear depression, 

I wish you didn’t come so often, better yet, at all. I hate waking up every morning questioning my own sanity and self worth, I hate laying there reassuring my self in my head over and over again that I am worth a life. Do you know what it’s like to sit on the couch eating and listening to my siblings laugh, the all of a sudden choke up and start crying? For absolutely no reason? It feels like there is something wrong with me, as if I am broken. The sunniest days are cloudy, the rainiest of days are 100 million times worse, and I love the rain… I hate laughing with my friends but be reminded in the back of my head that I am alone and lonely. I just want to be happy, I just want to say I’m happy and actually mean it. When will you go away? When will I feel like the me I am is good enough… 

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Scattered Heart

How are you? Have you eaten? Sick? Healthy? Did you ever buy those pairs of shoes you were so indecisive about?

My mind always wanders back to you… It’s amazing that I once knew all the answers to these questions & now I’m clueless. We spent half a decade together, learning and loving each and every bit of each-other. And now? It’s as if we’ve never happened.

I am angry, I am angry that you did not have the will to fight. You did not have the strength to hold on. Did you know that I had no will, no strength in the beginning, but you insisted that we were perfect together and that turned into reality for me. Each day we built together, I became stronger… All for you, but it was the other way around for you, wasn’t it? You started to listen to those whispers, the same whispers you told me not to listen to… You see, I was holding on-to a hand that had no more grip, you slipped right through my fingers my love.

People often say, “If a person really loves you, they’d do everything in their power to be with you.” I believe that. But the sad truth is that sometimes when you love someone you have to do everything in your power to let go of them. You have to fight yourself to not run to them. Whenever I think about us, my heart burns. You made me the saddest, but that’s alright with me. Why? Because whoever has the power to make you saddest is the one who has the power to make you happiest.

I miss you. I hope one day we find our way back to one another.

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A Letter To My Grandmother

Dear Grandma,

The sun peaking in through the window blinds, a warm summers breeze blowing though my hair, you holding a fly swatter in one hand and a peach in the other. These are little bits of the memories I have left of you. But the most clearest memory that I have, is the last memory with you. It was the night you held my hand the tightest you’ve ever held, the night where I was easily persuaded by ice-cream and I let your hand go. If I could go back to that night, I’d hold on as long as I could. I’d tell you I love you, I’d wipe your tears and tell you everything was going to be alright. But, I was only 7…and ice-cream seemed like the right choice. Not long after I finished my cold treat, you left and I never saw you again. My heart ached, I remember thinking it was a heart attack, thinking I’d follow you. Foolish me.

Now that I am older, I realized, losing you was sad but growing up seeing mom miss you was the saddest. You see, I have bits and parts of beautiful times with you, while mom had the whole world with you. Seeing her cry every Mother’s Day wasn’t a pleasant feeling. Mom was alone, no one for her to turn to when she was struggling. & When these times happen, I miss you most. I wish you were here, not for me, but for mom. I wish you could pat her head and listen to her cries. I wish you could help her when she’s frustrated and see her through her happy times.

All in all… I miss you grandma. Thank you for raising mom, she is the strongest person I’ve known. Thank you for raising me, I’m going to be the strongest person I will know.

  • s c a t t e r e d   l e t t e r s

Lov3

In all my life, I’ve loved 3 individuals. Sit tight, it’s going to be one heck of a ride.

Meeting you was like feeling the first drop of rain on a sunny day. Surprised, a little disappointment, but refreshing. Although it has been many years, I don’t remember much about you. Actually, I remember nothing really. All I know is, as bad of a person you were, I stayed. I must’ve seen something in you. You must’ve made me feel something other than the fear I had while with you. You were abusive. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. You took advantage of the fact that I was young and naive and twisted my reality into believing there was only you for me. The most compulsive and manipulating human being I have ever encountered… Yet, I thank you. Thank you for putting me through hell and thank you for not returning the same love I gave to you. Leaving you and having you there as a faded, burnt memory made me strong.

After the devil, I met an angel.

I was praised when all my friends heard I was dating you, “Oh my gosh, he’s the cutest guy at *high-school name*, you are so lucky!” It was a good feeling. The words you said to me gave me ultimate butterflies, I can still remember the feeling of my cheeks hurting from smiling at your cheesy lines. You definitely made life brighter for me. Let me tell you. The pros about getting out of a bad relationship is that you grow from it, the cons about getting out of a bad relationship is that your walls fly up and you don’t love as hard anymore. And you, you loved me so much. More than you should have, I am sorry I couldn’t love you the same way you loved me. That was my mistake. Instead of hugging you while you cried because I showed no emotion, I let your home boys comfort you while I got drunk. I didn’t deserve your love. My heart did not ache when I saw you beg, I did not shed a tear when we split…

& I believe because of you, I met karma.

Loving you was a beautiful nightmare. I’ve never depended on someone so much as I’ve depended on you. You loved every inch of my imperfect mind, soul, and body. & I loved every spec of your perfect imperfections. The I’m-perfect duo, you and I. We’d laugh, we’d cry, we’d make up, we’d end, and we’d begin again. You see, our love story was different. A forbidden love, you could say. No matter what path we were to choose, no matter how tight we were to hold onto one another, the fact that we would never work was inevitable. But yet, we tried. We loved hard, we took risks, and broke all the rules… As much as I am scared of roller coasters and heights, I was never afraid of us. What I was afraid of was our roller coaster ending. And that it did. Leaving you was the hardest, because I didn’t want to. But I had to after the day I saw you hold her hand. Like I said, our love story was a different one. We were forced to do some things that we knew were going to hurt one another, just so we could forget about each other…and that brought no pleasure at all..for both ends. Most of you are probably very confused, like “obviously it wasn’t love if you two were hurting each other” trust me, it was… A sad love. Only few in this world will encounter this pain, and some are lucky to never know of heartache…

If only the heart were as cold as it pretends to be.

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All About Me

Welcome to my very first post. Or is the correct term, “blog”? I don’t know… All I know is that I enjoy writing. I enjoy elaborating on my thoughts. Hence my title, “Scattered Thoughts”.

Anyway, I’d like to remain anonymous, for my own reasons. A person’s got to have a little mystery to them right? But I will tell you all a bit about myself. My favorite color is yellow. I sing a little here and there. I like to get lost in my own mind. I am what you call, an over-thinker. I over-think, pretty much in any situation, to the point where I’ll start doubting myself or drake o’clock comes early. Hahaha. I like to think of scenarios and create fantasies in my head of what I wish could’ve been. Get it? Temporary happiness.

I hope you all reading my thoughts, my feelings, my hopes, and my dreams.

Sincerely, Me

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